Whenever I say, “I’m going to go to yoga,” everyone (well, mostly guys) makes weird movements with their bodies or says something like, “Yoga, eh?” and then they nudge-nudge-wink-wink me. What do men actually think we do in yoga class? Get naked and have a sweaty contortionist lovefest? First of all, you don’t have to be slutty OR flexible to do yoga. Doing yoga regularly MAKES you more flexible, and it’s EASIER to do some of the poses if you’re flexible, but not all yoga requires you to twist your body into ridiculous shapes. I mean, except for the most recent class I went to. But apparently that class was for crazy Cirque du Soleil bitches who have stomachs made out of rocks. Yea, that class wasn’t for me.
Also, not all yogis are SKINNY and HOT and GOOD IN BED. Although I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t hoping to get all three of those things out of my yoga practice. And wanna know something that’s NOT sexy about doing yoga? Queefs. Vaginal flatulence. Yes. All girls have done it. During yoga. And it’s SO FUNNY EVERY TIME. It’s the best when you’re all breathing deep and feeling the stretch and disconnecting your mind from your body and shit and then someone lets out a big fat vagina fart. And all the mature people start breathing deeper and focusing harder and all the immature people do the closed-mouth laugh that is really more like a snort and look in the direction of the queef to see if we can pinpoint which girl was a culprit this time. Besides the calming-of-my-crazy effect that yoga has, this is my favorite part of class. Except when I’m the culprit. Which I never am anymore because I’ve learned how to control my vag. In more ways that one. Yea, you wish you knew.
Then there’s John Mayer, the guitar God with the weird faces and the hot celebrity obsessions. He’s goofy and cute. And I’ve always liked his music, especially his more funky work with the John Mayer Trio. I also heard that he might be a sex addict. Which was cool. But that’s all I ever really cared to know about the guy. Why ruin an amazing musical reputation with personal nonsense? To which John Mayer’s response apparently was, ‘Why NOT ruin it?’ with his interview for Playboy (complete with a super gay take on a hipster yearbook photo). He managed to use the words ‘n*gger,’ ‘fag,’ ‘crack cocaine,’ and ‘white-supremacist’ all in the same interview. Really, John Mayer? I thought you were an okay guy, seeing as we’re both from Connecticut and we both love sex and all. I thought you knew when enough was enough. This interview is not only NSFW, it’s NSFLife bitches.
Here are just a few of the high (I mean low) lights. My favorite part is when Playboy asked, “What if you were to google the phrase John Mayer is a douche bag?” The stories ARE true! Case in point:
- Re: Jessica Simpson – “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me…” – Oh really? Drugs aren’t good for you if you do a lot of them? Have you ever even SEEN crack cocaine? I’m pretty sure they don’t have that in Fairfield, CT. You’ll need to go to Hartford for that stuff.
- “Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.” – No, John, I’ve never wanted to pay someone $10,000 just so I could snort, I mean fuck them. That’s what hookers are for. Are you saying Jessica Simpson is a hooker?? At least now we know why Nick Lachey stayed with her for so long.
- “I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32.” – Um, when did 32 become the new 21?
- “For me, it has never been about fucking lots of girls. I could have fucked a lot more girls in my life if I hadn’t been trying so hard to get them to like me. If I have a conversation with a really hot girl that lasts all night and she says, “Wow, I had no idea I was going to like you this much,” that is the equivalent, for me, of getting laid.” Hahahahaha you’re an idiot AND a liar.
- “I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.” – Glad you can spell very. But can you spell douche bag? Spell with me: I-A-M-V-E-R-Y-M-U-C-H-O-F-A-D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G.
- “So now I’m going to experiment with “fuck you.” In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.” – AWESOME I CAN’T WAIT!
- “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.” – No context necessary. HE JUST SAID THAT.
And the real kicker: “I consider myself a good guy, with the best of intentions.”
Hmm, what I would give to have a guest post from John Mayer re: his extremely white cock and his addiction to ‘crack’…
Listening to: The Whitest Boy Alive – Burning