Vibrations of a Vixen

…stories from under the sheets…

Misunderstandings: Yoga and John Mayer February 10, 2010

Filed under: hypersex,ramblings — vixations @ 12:50 pm

Whenever I say, “I’m going to go to yoga,” everyone (well, mostly guys) makes weird movements with their bodies or says something like, “Yoga, eh?” and then they nudge-nudge-wink-wink me. What do men actually think we do in yoga class? Get naked and have a sweaty contortionist lovefest? First of all, you don’t have to be slutty OR flexible to do yoga. Doing yoga regularly MAKES you more flexible, and it’s EASIER to do some of the poses if you’re flexible, but not all yoga requires you to twist your body into ridiculous shapes. I mean, except for the most recent class I went to. But apparently that class was for crazy Cirque du Soleil bitches who have stomachs made out of rocks. Yea, that class wasn’t for me.

Also, not all yogis are SKINNY and HOT and GOOD IN BED. Although I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t hoping to get all three of those things out of my yoga practice. And wanna know something that’s NOT sexy about doing yoga? Queefs. Vaginal flatulence. Yes. All girls have done it. During yoga. And it’s SO FUNNY EVERY TIME. It’s the best when you’re all breathing deep and feeling the stretch and disconnecting your mind from your body and shit and then someone lets out a big fat vagina fart. And all the mature people start breathing deeper and focusing harder and all the immature people do the closed-mouth laugh that is really more like a snort and look in the direction of the queef to see if we can pinpoint which girl was a culprit this time. Besides the calming-of-my-crazy effect that yoga has, this is my favorite part of class. Except when I’m the culprit. Which I never am anymore because I’ve learned how to control my vag. In more ways that one. Yea, you wish you knew.

Then there’s John Mayer, the guitar God with the weird faces and the hot celebrity obsessions.  He’s goofy and cute. And I’ve always liked his music, especially his more funky work with the John Mayer Trio. I also heard that he might be a sex addict. Which was cool. But that’s all I ever really cared to know about the guy. Why ruin an amazing musical reputation with personal nonsense? To which John Mayer’s response apparently was, ‘Why NOT ruin it?’ with his interview for Playboy (complete with a super gay take on a hipster yearbook photo). He managed to use the words ‘n*gger,’ ‘fag,’ ‘crack cocaine,’ and ‘white-supremacist’ all in the same interview. Really, John Mayer? I thought you were an okay guy, seeing as we’re both from Connecticut and we both love sex and all. I thought you knew when enough was enough. This interview is not only NSFW, it’s NSFLife bitches.

Here are just a few of the high (I mean low) lights. My favorite part is when Playboy asked, “What if you were to google the phrase John Mayer is a douche bag?” The stories ARE true! Case in point:

  • Re: Jessica Simpson – “That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me…” – Oh really? Drugs aren’t good for you if you do a lot of them? Have you ever even SEEN crack cocaine? I’m pretty sure they don’t have that in Fairfield, CT. You’ll need to go to Hartford for that stuff.
  • “Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.” – No, John, I’ve never wanted to pay someone $10,000 just so I could snort, I mean fuck them. That’s what hookers are for. Are you saying Jessica Simpson is a hooker?? At least now we know why Nick Lachey stayed with her for so long.
  • “I’ll always be sorry that it didn’t last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can’t change the fact that I need to be 32.” – Um, when did 32 become the new 21?
  • “For me, it has never been about fucking lots of girls. I could have fucked a lot more girls in my life if I hadn’t been trying so hard to get them to like me. If I have a conversation with a really hot girl that lasts all night and she says, “Wow, I had no idea I was going to like you this much,” that is the equivalent, for me, of getting laid.” Hahahahaha you’re an idiot AND a liar.
  • “I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.” – Glad you can spell very. But can you spell douche bag? Spell with me: I-A-M-V-E-R-Y-M-U-C-H-O-F-A-D-O-U-C-H-E-B-A-G.
  • “So now I’m going to experiment with “fuck you.” In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.” – AWESOME I CAN’T WAIT!
  • “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist.” – No context necessary. HE JUST SAID THAT.

And the real kicker: “I consider myself a good guy, with the best of intentions.”

Hmm, what I would give to have a guest post from John Mayer re: his extremely white cock and his addiction to ‘crack’…

Listening to: The Whitest Boy Alive – Burning

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On Being Sexually Functional February 4, 2010

Filed under: hypersex — vixations @ 9:57 am

First of all, I’d like to throw a huge THANK YOU out to my amazing and sexy friend Nicole for giving me the Awesome Shit Shout Out this month! She is my inspiration for this blog (in a good, non-slutty way) and I am so happy we’re still friends even after all the ridiculousness we’ve gotten ourselves into 🙂

Second of all, to all of you who don’t have TV or missed the Pregnancy Pact, you can watch it RIGHT NOW straight from the Lifetime website. Since no one will watch it with me at my house, I was thinking we should all have a Pregnancy Pact viewing party where we all pour ourselves multiple glasses of wine, go in a chat room, hit ‘play’ at the same time, and make fun of Thora Birch together. So it’s LIKE we’re watching it together, even though we’re not. I vote Sunday night. Yes?

Third of all, I have decided to combine my love of music with my love of sex. If you care, you can click the link at the end of each post to listen with me.

And, finally, I found this in my spam folder today from someone by the name of Micah Gore:

And also this:

Products and legality- Why is your proazduct so chrndeap?

  • There is a number of reasons for that. We do not spend anything on markfnueting, there are no taxes to be paid as the product comes into the country unregistered, the manufacturer is located in an offshore zone and the prodrjuction costs are way lower. No child labor is used.

This begs a lot of questions, like, why would something like this go into my spam folder 7 days ago? This is BREAKING NEWS, Micah Gore, and if I had known 7 days ago I would have been able to use the $39.09 I spent on birth control on Female Viagra instead. Also, really? No child labor? I’m definitely going to buy my enhancement drugs from you guys because even though you can’t spell ‘product’ or ‘cheap,’ you don’t use child labor and that’s AWESOME. And, how did you know I’ve been super worried about getting the flu? With all my saliva-swapping endeavors, it’s pretty great that I haven’t gotten the flu yet, and that’s SO GENIUS that you are bundling libido enhancement drugs with flu prevention! Could you send me some chocolate too? Oh, and I also need a new pair of black boots because I left them at M’s house and I’m sure as hell not going back to his starving artist cave.

What I really want to know though, Micah Gore, is what kind of person needs to buy Viagra + Cialis + Levitra ALL TOGETHER? If you’re the kind of person who need all of those drugs to get it up, you’re probably 95 years old and one step away from your coffin and you should NOT under ANY circumstances be putting your penis anywhere near a vagina because it would definitely disintegrate or burst into flames. Also, who do you think I am? Are you saying I should become a dealer of enhancement drugs? A treater of the erectile dysfunction? Is the libido dealer the new pot dealer? Am I going to make millions befriending old men and getting them to test their newfound erection on me? If that’s the case, I will definitely need you send condoms, two lifetime supplies of Cabernet (because I will need to be drinking double of what any normal wine consumption would be), and a side of Female Viagra for when I’m through with this because I’m positive my libido will be crushed to the ground after sleeping with a slew of old wrinkly men. At least I’ll be rich, though, right?

If anyone is interested in starting the new Libido Dealer revolution with me, just send me an email and I’ll put you in touch with Micah Gore. Who is actually Al Gore’s rebellious illegitimate child. So if you wanted, you could technically ask Al Gore for Micah’s contact info. And then you could make Al Gore your first client. That is, if I don’t get to him first.

Ed. note: I made that last part up. Except the part about sleeping with Al Gore. Because I totally would.

Listening to/watching: The xx – VCR

 

My Brazilian. My (ir)Responsibility. January 29, 2010

Filed under: hypersex,rants — vixations @ 11:37 am

My Brazilian decided to leave the sunny City of Angels and move on to more, well, European adventures. He packed up his apartment, sold the Ikea bed that I sold him several months ago, and took about 900 bags on the airplane to Germany. Or London? I don’t fucking care. Anyway, the Brazilian decided to spend the night before he left with none other than the wonderful MOI! Why? I had no effing clue. I’m fun, but I’m not SO fun that you’d want to spend your entire last night in America with me before MOVING away to another continent. It was a Sunday. I was already drunk (naturally), and he brought over a bottle of wine from the 7-11. Even after only a few dates, he knows me well.

There I was, drunk on the couch, watching E!, and squealing about the Giuliana and Bill show because the guy I made out with on Friday happened to be on it. My roommate knew all about it. My Brazilian didn’t. Not like he would have cared. He speaks good English, but sometimes I feel like he doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Maybe because I talk too fast. Or too high-pitched. Especially while drunk. Maybe he’s like those animals that can only hear certain pitches. Did I just make that up?

The most likely explanation is that he really doesn’t care what I say at all, he just came over so he could sleep with me. Same reason why any guy comes over on a Sunday night. Right? I mean he certainly didn’t come over to watch Giuliana and Bill.

So we drank more. Much more. Until I decided I wanted to be horizontal, and I didn’t care if he wanted to join. The next part is a blur. Sometimes when I close my eyes I’m not sure if I’m awake or dreaming. Maybe that’s how I’m able to convince myself that things like naked Brazilians in my bed are okay.

The next day I almost called in sick to work because OMG MY BRAIN IS EXPLODING AND I’M NAKED AND I’M DEFINITELY GOING TO VOMIT ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD.

If only I HAD sick days at this god-forsaken hell hole also known as my job.

The next afternoon, I received a message via Facebook from the Brazilian.

Subject: hi from London

Message (abbreviated):

so just wanted to say that was great meeting you, i like your fun sweet easy-going personality and most of all, i like that you are a very truthful (is that a word?) and original person

wish you the best!

Brazilian

PS.: as usual… sorry about the irresponsability that day, my fault! Would you hate me forever if I asked you to take one of those day after pills?

………………

You can’t make this shit up. He doesn’t even know if ‘truthful’ is a word. Or how to spell ‘irresponsibility.’ And, REALLY? One of those ‘day after pills’???? Great. He DIDN’T use a condom. Again. After I FREAKED OUT last time. What the hell is wrong with everyone??? Why is it MY responsibility to ask YOU to throw a rubber on your South American cock? Why is it that I always have to prevent the babies and the diseases? I’m not responsible at all! If you were worried about little children running around, don’t fucking cum in me. Or get a vasectomy. OR USE A CONDOM. Especially when I’m half in dream state and half totally wasted. It’s YOUR COCK and therefore YOUR RESPONSIBILITY if my egg gets fertilized. It doesn’t fertilize itself, idiot. And you don’t just take the ‘day after pill’ whenever the fuck you want. It’s SO BAD for you. Not as bad as an actual abortion I guess, but you’re only supposed to take Plan B like twice in your life. This is something all boys should know. There are some retarded females out there who take it all the time, but I certainly don’t. In fact, I’ve never taken it before. Because I’m SO GOOD at taking my birth control, and I’ve been on it basically since I left the womb and there’s no way I’m getting pregnant anytime soon, even if I stop taking it. Also, I’m petrified of taking any pills (other than birth control) or putting chemicals into my body (which makes no sense, because I take birth control every day). I don’t take painkillers because I’m convinced I’ll get an ulcer or have a heart attack and die.

But, there’s no way I could ever take care of ANYONE else besides myself, and maybe the Brazilian has really fertile spermies, and since the message came less than 36 hours after the act, and I had a Plan B pack in my bathroom that Planned Parenthood gave me for free (because they know I’m a huge slut), I decided to open it, take a deep breath, and swallow it.

And that was the longest sentence ever.

Then I thought about all the ways I could die. Maybe Plan B will eat my stomach from the inside out and my intestines will fall out. Maybe the sperm-killing chemicals will also kill all of my white blood cells and I’ll contract swine flu and AIDS at the same time and slowly suffer for the next three weeks until my head explodes and there’s blood and dead sperm everywhere.

Clearly, I didn’t die. I didn’t even get sick. Although other girls have told me horror stories about having to skip school/work because the pill gave them the most evil and debilitating cramps of their lives. Oh, the sperm-killing terribleness!! Don’t we suffer enough with the monthly flow and the baby birthing??

These kinds of drugs were obviously created by men. If I had it my way, I would give all boys some kind of ‘night of’ pill before they sleep with me, not ‘morning after’ pill. That way I would be sure that if any of their sperm found a way into my ovaries, no babies would be made. And I wouldn’t even have to hear from them the next day.

Sounds like a win-win situation to me. Now, who’s the female pharmacist that’s going to patent this drug?? And what shall we call it?

 

The Pinot Experiment: Update 1 January 21, 2010

Filed under: hypersex,ramblings — vixations @ 5:22 pm

I love how ALL of my conversations with women (and most of my conversations with men) end up being about sex. I’m not a nympho or anything. Actually, now I’m not sure. I just Googled ‘nymphomaniac’ to make sure I was spelling it right, only to find that the ‘older concept of nymphomania’ has been replaced with the term ‘hypersexuality.’ Did you KNOW that?? Who decides if a concept is ‘old’ or ‘outdated’ anyway? And who said that nymphomania only applied to women? Is this right???? Apparently in males it’s called ‘satyriasis.’ Gross. I’ve never heard a single person ever say that word. Probably because it’s NOT REAL and ALL MEN are hypersexual.

Anyway, it’s clearly all relative. My sexually activities might seem super tame to some people. Probably not most people, but whatever. I don’t need to be labeled as a hypersexual. Although I kind of love this term. The way I visualize it in my head is like a severely ADHD puppy running around and sticking its red rocket in anything and everything it can find. Or a wind up toy that spins in uncontrollable circles and falls off the table and bounces off walls. Or those sex chairs that push a mechanical fake cock in and out of your vagina at ridiculous speeds. Or one of the Jersey Shore characters having sweaty fist-pumping tongue-jabbing make-out sessions with every girl in the club. Ew. Sorry about that disgusting mental image.

Aaaaanyway, I love having conversations with girls about sex. A lot of girls are really uncomfortable talking about explicit sexual things, and are even less comfortable talking about personal sexual issues, like the one I confronted in The Pinot Experiment. Apparently no one wants to talk about their vaginas. Why? Got me.

This is my favorite though: when I talk about my chronic yeast infections and someone says, “OMG I get those too!” and I get super excited because I think MAYBE, just maybe, this girl will have the cure to my itchy discomfort.

It hasn’t happened yet, but, well, this happened:

Me: I just don’t know what to do. I’m not going to be able to just use condoms for the rest of my life. I’m not even convinced that condoms are the answer.

Friend: Yea, I don’t know, that really sucks.

Me: I know. I mean am I the only one that has this problem?

Friend: No, I get them all the time!

Me: REALLY? Isn’t it so annoying? It makes no sense! I mean why do we get them so much?

Friend: Um, well…

Me: It’s like they never go away! And no one will give me anything that actually WORKS! And now I never know if I even have one or it’s just in my head! And I have no idea if boys can even TELL if I have one or not. That would be nice if they could, actually. Is there a how-to on that? But even if they knew I had one, they still can’t solve the mystery of WHY!

Friend: I mean, I don’t know why you get them. But I think I know why I get them.

Me: Really?? Well that’s probably why I get them too!

Friend: Well, I don’t know, I mean yea maybe!

Me: So why do you get them?

Friend: Well, because sometimes my boyfriend fingers my ass and then my vagina.

Me: <jaw drop> Um… <dry heave> Ahem.

That is DEFINITELY why you get them, you idiot. Didn’t ANYONE ever teach this girl to wipe from front to back? Didn’t she make the connection that the SAME RULE applies for EVERYTHING??? I mean, really. If you’re going to go in the stink (which I’m not opposed to, I just personally don’t like it), you DO NOT GO back into the pink. You just don’t. That’s called POOP going into your VAGINA. That’s called such nasty bacteria going BACK INTO YOUR BODY.

Nicole, you clearly need to teach this in your new class on How to Not Suck.

It really amazes me, even after all the stupid things I’ve done, things like this still boggle my mind. I don’t mess with actual shit. Period. It might be my only rule, but it’s an important one.

In other news, I have been diligent in getting some actual results to this experiment. I’ve only slept with one guy without a condom, so I’ll know that he’s the culprit if I do in fact get another infection. I’ll know for sure in a few days.

In other other news, I have no idea why I created a ‘Sex’ category. Clearly all these posts are about sex. Maybe I just need to change the category to ‘Hypersex’ and only tag the most ridiculously fast Energizer bunny things in there. Good idea? Yes?