I can pretty much sum up this experiment as being an epic fail. Between the lack of credible advice and abandonment of responsibility in more ways than one, I can safely say that I am not one step closer to any conclusions. I haven’t been to the doctor because I don’t even know what ‘normal discharge’ means anymore and I don’t want them to be all ‘stop being fucking paranoid’ and ‘just use a damn condom for once.’ I ALREADY KNOW THAT, THANKS. And hey, Planned Parenthood, if you REALLY wanted to help, you could provide me with a fucking live-in gynecologist to help me actually get a good night’s sleep without worrying about yeast infections and BV and all that nonsense that may or may not have anything to do with sex with 31 year old uncircumsized penises. Peni? How come only some things become plural with the ‘i’? Like octopi. Who even makes these rules anyway? Can it be vaginae? Omg spell-check says that’s right. Haha. Vaginae. Say it. But not out loud if you’re at work. Okay sorry this is totally unrelated to anything. Moving on…
This week has been nothing but stressful (although sometimes in an awesome way) and I haven’t even had time to get drunk, let alone have sex with anyone. Except for last night. When my boss was in town and we totally took bong rips together and watched turtle races. Wait, that totally came out wrong. I DIDN’T HAVE SEX WITH MY BOSS. He’s married. With kids. And his whole family is amazing and I would never sleep with a married man. Unless… well, no unless. I would never do that. Anyway, I just got drunk with him. And high. And it was awesome. And I’m afraid to say this out loud, but I’m obviously going to say it anyway: I’m in love with every boy. In a way where I can’t tell the difference between if I just care about them because they’re awesome or if I actually want to jump on all of their cocks and spin around. Okay I’ve never actually done the spinny thing. But I’ve seen it done in pornos. And I want to do it. And so someone needs to help me with this via having a big enough penis for me to spin on and being strong enough to lift me up and turn me counter-clockwise. Because I’m a lefty. And counter-clockwise makes more sense. And maybe the reason I like tall men is because they ARE strong and often DO have big peni for me to spin on. And my really boss is tall. And oh. my. god. I need to stop thinking about having sex with ANYONE who pays me to book flights and hotels for him. I’m not a member of the mile-high club yet. HOLY SHIT SHUT UP YOU SKANK WHORE HOME WRECKER!
The being in love with everyone isn’t real. And I’m not actually attracted to my boss. It’s just horny-lost-drunk-girl who is experiencing a minor drought and thinks that sex with random men will somehow cure her need to run around and explore and do and be everything to everyone. My solution? Buy all of these things and spend the entire weekend locked in my room with a good Pinot and an even better porno. And clean that shit myself so there is no risk for anything related to infectious bacteria or herpes or commitment.
I’m clearly very hungover. Or still drunk. Or infected with a crazy turtle virus. And I’m going to stop talking now.
Things to look forward to? The launch of my awesomely amazing new blog design (courtesy of the beautiful AND talented Lilu) and the revealing of where I get all my raging sexuality. Hint: I got it from my Mama.
Listening to: Jay-Z – Off That (feat. Drake)