First thing’s first:
Being new to the blogosphere has been really fun, but often scary as hell. We sit here, revealing our deepest thoughts to complete strangers via the internet, knowing that we WILL be judged, but also knowing that by putting ourselves out there we are opening up new doors with new opportunities and new friendships. I am so thankful for everyone I have ‘met’ through this completely ridiculous blog so far. I’m also thankful for the fact that there are indeed other crazies out there who have a little Vixen in them after all!
I wasn’t sure if TMI Thursday was really right for me, since so far ALL of my posts have revealed way Too Much Information, but I decided to save the real nasty ones for Thursdays. So here goes…my very first…
I’ll keep this one simple. It’s about vibrators. Don’t like vibrators? Stop reading my blog RIGHT FUCKING NOW because you don’t deserve to be here. Just kidding. Anyone who doesn’t ‘like’ vibrators is just scared of them and clearly hasn’t been sex toy shopping with moi.
I have lots of vibrators. Five to be exact. Well, used to be five. Now it’s four. How do you lose a vibrator? Well, I didn’t exactly lose it. It lost me. Or something.
The ‘My First Mini-G‘ vibrator was one of my faves, even though it wasn’t actually my first. Especially because it was purple. I don’t know why the one on that site isn’t purple. But it’s supposed to be. Anyway, I used to bring it with me places. Like, if I knew I was going to A’s house after work, I would put it in my purse so I’d have it to play with when I got to his place. He, UNlike most guys I’ve been with, wasn’t mortified by the use of vibrating toys in bed, and also wasn’t scared that my Mini-G would ever take the place of his perfect penis. Vibrators are definitely God’s Gift to Women, and I’ll admit that the fact that they are 100% reliable and can’t speak is definitely a plus, but they’ll never be the same as the good old penis in vagina.
After a while, I started using the vibrator more at his place than at my own, so I just kept it inside Willy (no, Willy is NOT the name of my vagina, it’s the name of my 1996 VW Passat, may he rest in peace). Willy was so old and really liked being dirty and rugged, so I kept him that way. I never got him washed once in the year that I had him. He didn’t have a glove compartment, so I kept my Mini-G in the center arm rest thing. One time, my dad came to visit for an event. I still had to work while he was here, so I let him drop me off at the office and then take my car to do whatever dads do in SoCal. The first day he was here, he picked me up at work in a car that I didn’t recognize at first. It was Willy, but with a face-lift. I didn’t think it was possible, but Willy was actually SHINY all around. Daddy had gotten him cleaned! I was feeling a little nostalgic, but didn’t mind the makeover. That is, until I got into the car.
‘I cleaned your car!’ he said. I see that. I see that the INSIDE had been DETAILED by MY DAD. Uhh, thanks, DAD. Now where’s my Mini-G?
Of course, I couldn’t say anything, and of course my awkward Dad would NEVER say anything to me about sex-related things. All I could do was pray that maybe I had left the vibrator at A’s house and that it wasn’t still in the armrest when he cleaned the car. After dropping my dad off at his hotel, I frantically texted A, sped home to look in my vibe collection, and found NO MINI-G.
To this day, my Mini-G has yet to turn up. And I still need to go to the Pleasure Chest to get a new one. All I can think is that he gave it to one of the homeless tranny hookers in West Hollywood near the auto body shop I go to. Or he took it home to use on his new girlfriend. EWW TMI!!!
Listening to: Lady GaGa – Beautiful Dirty Rich