Vibrations of a Vixen

…stories from under the sheets…

How My Hamster Saved My Sex Life February 8, 2010

Filed under: rants,relationships,sex — vixations @ 12:30 pm

I never really made a set ‘list’ of things I always wanted in a man, but it has occurred to me that there are a few VERY important qualities/habits that I simply cannot tolerate. I refuse to sleep with/date a man who:

1. doesn’t drink

2. is addicted to cigarettes

3. has pants that are smaller than mine

4. can’t laugh at himself

Recently, I added another quality to the list. The quality is two-fold. And it involves my pet hamster.

Your what? Yes. I have a pet hamster.

I have a thing about pets. Whenever I move to a new city, I have to get something to take care of. Nothing crazy like a cat or a puppy. I usually get something easy, like a fish. That way if I forget about it, or go away for a few days, or someone pours beer in the tank, it won’t die (for the most part).

Moving to California was no different. The second I finished moving in, I went to Petco. I had every intention of buying a goldfish. Instead, I walked out, 30 minutes later, with a baby hamster, a wire cage, and all these stupid toys and treats for the thing. When I say ‘stupid toys’ I mean things like a purple piece of plastic that looks exactly like a miniature version of the carriage that Cinderella took to the ball. Most people think the hamster is weird, and in turn think I’m TOTALLY weird/crazy for keeping a small rodent in my room. Other people (like me) think she’s wicked cute and don’t mind having her around.

After a year and a half, I’ve noticed that it’s usually women, often accused of being pussies about everything, who like her the most. It’s the men, on the other hand, who actually shriek when I take her out of her cage. She is brown and furry and weighs less than a pound. Also her name is Pancake. Who’s the pussy now, bitches?

So there’s one part of fifth quality that I won’t tolerate in a man. It’s one thing if you get a little freaked out when you see my mini nugget made of fur, but it’s quite another if you refuse to touch her, and actually have to LEAVE THE ROOM whenever she’s out of her cage. Believe it or not, I have met men of this caliber of pussyness. And these men are not for me.

Here’s the other part: Rodents are nocturnal, so Pancake likes to do annoying things like run in her wheel, eat an entire bowl of food, and chew on her wire cage in the middle of the night. I, like most 20-somethings, have fought on the insomnia-battlefield, but for the most part I am able to stay asleep once I actually fall asleep, so the hamster’s nocturnal noises don’t usually bother me. Apparently, some guys are extremely bothered by it. Like the one who after spending the night in my room proclaimed that he just had THE WORST SLEEP HE’S EVER HAD IN HIS LIFE EVER AND THAT PANCAKE SHOULD DIE. Or the one who climbed over me in the middle of the night so he could be furthest away from her cage. Or the one who had to stare at her in her cage for 20 minutes, saying over and over, ‘YOU have a HAMSTER??’ Yes, idiot. I have a hamster. You’re looking at her. She’s not going anywhere.

Let me add that all these men were strangely shitty in bed. In different ways. One had a pencil dick. One couldn’t stay completely hard. One kissed like a dead fish. If asked, they might argue that their less-than-awesome bedroom skills have nothing to do with their hate/fear of rodents. I say there is a direct correlation. If you’re a light sleeper, you can’t sleep in my bed. If you are THAT afraid of rodents, you should probably jump off a cliff. And if you don’t get along with Pancake for whatever reason, you don’t get along with my vagina. The end.

Listening to: Best of Bootie 2009 Mashups


17 Responses to “How My Hamster Saved My Sex Life”

  1. Martin Says:

    If I’m not scared of Pancake, but I still don’t like Pancake, is it still a non-starter?

    Before you answer, please note that I do drink, dont smoke, dont wear tight pants, and I make a lot of jokes at my own expense. That being said…hamsters are the fucking devil.

    • vixations Says:

      Well, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. Putting up with her existence is a good start. And you get points for not being scared of her. However, I would prefer that you love her as much as I do and NOT insult her with diabolical names.

  2. HTG Says:

    I only vaguely remember meeting Pancake, but in general I think rodents are awesome. Hamsters, specifically, are really bitey, though. You should get a guinea pig next time.

    • vixations Says:

      Guinea pigs smell! Pancake is small and clean and cute. And she has never bitten ANYONE, even when they put their fingers in her face. She’s the best ever. Also, I love you!

      • HTG Says:

        Guinea pigs do NOT smell!! They are as clean as hamsters, if not more clean because they’re bigger. (Not sure about that logic, but I stand by my argument.)

  3. Martin Says:

    Why not…like, a turtle or frog, or something else cool?

    • vixations Says:

      My cousins used to have a snake. He was pretty cool. But it’s not the same! He wasn’t soft or cuddly. I like soft and cuddly. And don’t turtles give you diseases?

      • Martin Says:

        Hmmm…I dont think so about turtles. You know what? That clenches it. I’m getting a frog or turtle when I move to LA.

        We used to have an african bullfrog that ate mice. He rocked. Not sure about hamsters though…

  4. I was slightly worried by the title of this entry. I was worried you had some Richard Gere thing going on. Thankfully, it didn’t turn that way.
    On a related note – I passed those few requirements, so when can I pencil in a sleepover with Pancake? What? Too soon?

    • vixations Says:

      See? THIS is what I’m talking about. A guy who knows what he wants and doesn’t threaten to have my hamster eaten by a bullfrog.

      Are you over 5′ 11″? Are you well-endowed? I think those are the only other requirements I have for my soul-mate. Don’t feel pressured to answer right away. Especially if this is the only post you’ve read so far.

  5. vixations Says:

    Hm, yes, you do fall short in more ways than one. But I always say, it’s not the size that matters, it’s how you use it. Actually, I never say that. But I’m always up for exploring new, um, territories?

  6. Damnit. Your logic is flawless. CT is the birthplace of heroes.

    • vixations Says:

      That? Is ridiculous. I guess I have to leave Pancake in the U.S. when I move to New Zealand/that thing could probably eat me and you AND Pancake in one bite. Gross.

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