Vibrations of a Vixen

…stories from under the sheets…

On Being Sexually Functional February 4, 2010

Filed under: hypersex — vixations @ 9:57 am

First of all, I’d like to throw a huge THANK YOU out to my amazing and sexy friend Nicole for giving me the Awesome Shit Shout Out this month! She is my inspiration for this blog (in a good, non-slutty way) and I am so happy we’re still friends even after all the ridiculousness we’ve gotten ourselves into 🙂

Second of all, to all of you who don’t have TV or missed the Pregnancy Pact, you can watch it RIGHT NOW straight from the Lifetime website. Since no one will watch it with me at my house, I was thinking we should all have a Pregnancy Pact viewing party where we all pour ourselves multiple glasses of wine, go in a chat room, hit ‘play’ at the same time, and make fun of Thora Birch together. So it’s LIKE we’re watching it together, even though we’re not. I vote Sunday night. Yes?

Third of all, I have decided to combine my love of music with my love of sex. If you care, you can click the link at the end of each post to listen with me.

And, finally, I found this in my spam folder today from someone by the name of Micah Gore:

And also this:

Products and legality- Why is your proazduct so chrndeap?

  • There is a number of reasons for that. We do not spend anything on markfnueting, there are no taxes to be paid as the product comes into the country unregistered, the manufacturer is located in an offshore zone and the prodrjuction costs are way lower. No child labor is used.

This begs a lot of questions, like, why would something like this go into my spam folder 7 days ago? This is BREAKING NEWS, Micah Gore, and if I had known 7 days ago I would have been able to use the $39.09 I spent on birth control on Female Viagra instead. Also, really? No child labor? I’m definitely going to buy my enhancement drugs from you guys because even though you can’t spell ‘product’ or ‘cheap,’ you don’t use child labor and that’s AWESOME. And, how did you know I’ve been super worried about getting the flu? With all my saliva-swapping endeavors, it’s pretty great that I haven’t gotten the flu yet, and that’s SO GENIUS that you are bundling libido enhancement drugs with flu prevention! Could you send me some chocolate too? Oh, and I also need a new pair of black boots because I left them at M’s house and I’m sure as hell not going back to his starving artist cave.

What I really want to know though, Micah Gore, is what kind of person needs to buy Viagra + Cialis + Levitra ALL TOGETHER? If you’re the kind of person who need all of those drugs to get it up, you’re probably 95 years old and one step away from your coffin and you should NOT under ANY circumstances be putting your penis anywhere near a vagina because it would definitely disintegrate or burst into flames. Also, who do you think I am? Are you saying I should become a dealer of enhancement drugs? A treater of the erectile dysfunction? Is the libido dealer the new pot dealer? Am I going to make millions befriending old men and getting them to test their newfound erection on me? If that’s the case, I will definitely need you send condoms, two lifetime supplies of Cabernet (because I will need to be drinking double of what any normal wine consumption would be), and a side of Female Viagra for when I’m through with this because I’m positive my libido will be crushed to the ground after sleeping with a slew of old wrinkly men. At least I’ll be rich, though, right?

If anyone is interested in starting the new Libido Dealer revolution with me, just send me an email and I’ll put you in touch with Micah Gore. Who is actually Al Gore’s rebellious illegitimate child. So if you wanted, you could technically ask Al Gore for Micah’s contact info. And then you could make Al Gore your first client. That is, if I don’t get to him first.

Ed. note: I made that last part up. Except the part about sleeping with Al Gore. Because I totally would.

Listening to/watching: The xx – VCR

Advertisements
 

2 Responses to “On Being Sexually Functional”

  1. Hah am I really the first reply to your amazing article!?


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s