But not for myself. Because I might not have to ASK 2010 to kill me. It might do that on its own.
My 2010 death wish is for whoever decided that skinny jeans look good on guys. And whoever decided that all aspiring band members should wear them (in case that person isn’t the same as the one who invented their appeal in the first place). Here’s why:
A few years ago I was working for a music production company. They also managed bands at the time. I became pretty close with one of the bands we managed (I’m tempted to say the name here, but I won’t), and started hanging out with them outside of work and shows. When I say I started ‘hanging out’ with them, I really mean this is when we started having drinks together, as opposed to just being drunk around each other. I also brought my best friend into the mix, who started ‘hanging out’ with my boss. One wasted night before I had any form of common sense (not to say I have much now, but I had zero then), my friend and I were conned into going back to my boss’s PARENTS’ house downtown for some post-partying action. I have no idea why going back to my BOSS’S PARENTS’ house didn’t seem weird to me at the time. Maybe because I was hammered. Or maybe because I was 18. Or maybe because, like I said, I had zero common sense.
‘We have wine, and vodka, and my parents are out of town.’ So we get to raid their liquor cabinet and go down on each other in your parents’ bed? Like high school all over again.
What the hell does this have to do with skinny jeans? Well, before I go any further with the story, here’s my beef with skinny jeans: Guys weren’t born to have curves like girls. For the most part, they are triangle-shaped, which is not nearly as pretty as the womanly hourglass shape. Male top halves are noticeably bigger than their bottom halves, and a lot of them were born with hairy chicken legs. Okay, they weren’t hairy when they were born, but lay off, they can’t help it. That said, why would ANYONE come up with a style that accentuates these unfortunate parts and cramps the ballsack? Any guy that wears skinny jeans MUST have a small penis and shrunken balls. Otherwise they wouldn’t fit. Right?
This brings me to my next skinny-jean-beef: Too many guys in bands wear skinny jeans. And there’s no functional reason for it. And I love guys in bands. I love to think that they all have big cocks and are super rhythmic in bed. Probably the reason I especially love drummers. Mmm. Anyway, if they are all wearing skinny jeans, that means their cocks are SMALL. And a small cock with rhythm < a big cock without it. Actually a small cock with rhythm < a lot of things. Like tequila. And cheese. Okay, everything < tequila and cheese, so that was a bad example. But you can always spot the small-dick-band members by their tousled, sideswept hair and their stupid jeans and their shoes. Boys in bands wear Converse, some form of vintage cowboy boot, or loafers. The shoes are one thing.
But the skinny pants?
After some more drinking, the debauchery began. I don’t remember the details. All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night, looking around, realizing that I was not in my boss’s bedroom or the guest room, but that I was IN MY BOSS’S PARENTS’ BED with the bass player from the band. Naked. And SO THIRSTY. And IN MY BOSS’S PARENTS’ BED. And what. the. fuck.
I got the naked hipster next to me to get up, put some pants on, and get us some water to minimize the effects of the nearby hangover. Which was still REALLY bad, by the way, despite the H2O chug session. Like, so bad that I didn’t even care when the boss’s parents came home early from ‘being out of town’ to empty bottles everywhere and an unmade bed. I think I left my underwear there too because I never saw it after that night. And it was super cute. Sad face.
Before all that, when we first woke up the next morning, he got up, put some pants on, and went to the bathroom. When he came back to bed, he took the pants off, and laughed. ‘What’s funny?’ I asked.
‘Nothing, I just realized I had put your pants on by accident. I was wondering why they felt a little big. Haha.’
Why they felt a little BIG?! Ha ha?? ExCUSE me?? Your skinny pants are SMALLER than MY skinny pants? But they’re SKINNY pants! That means that’s as SKINNY as I get! And I’m a girl! And that means that your skinny pants don’t FIT me! In what UNIVERSE is it okay for men to wear smaller skinny pants than women??
This one, apparently. And this is why I don’t hook up with hipsters anymore. And why look at boys’ hips and butts before I even talk to them to make SURE that their jeans will be bigger than mine so that they can’t ‘accidentally’ put my jeans on in the middle of the night and wonder why they’re too big. And also why I have a death wish.
So, small-dick-squished-balls-rhythmic-hipster-band-member-fashion-designer, you better keep one eye open when you’re sleeping because I am coming. And I will strangle you with a pair of size 25 skinny man pants. And you won’t be able to torture any more curvaceous women with your too-tight-ball-shrinking pair of jeans.