My experience with ‘sums’ of people went backwards. I was getting gang banged by 7+ guys before I ever got in bed with just one guy and one girl at the same time.
I’ll start at the end.
My most recent threesome involved my good friend who looks a lot like me, and two guys we met at the bar. The sounds like four, right? Well, no. We went back to their apartment, made out with our respective boys for a while, and I found out (somehow) that his penis was WAY too small to be worth it. I started feeling nauseous, so I left the room immediately and went across the hall to complain to my friend who was with her man. They were already naked, naturally, and invited me in. I stumbled into the bed, removed my clothes which were already half off, and began the touching and kissing and licking that is standard for any sexual experience. I found this post on the Rules of Threesomes, which is somewhat helpful if your threesome is planned. Its biggest flaw, however, is the fact that the first ‘rule’ of threesomes is establishing the rules. WTF. What if your threesome isn’t planned? What if you’re already too drunk to speak? There’s no rules on what to do then.
So, I’m telling you, here’s the REAL first rule of threesomes: Don’t have one if there are any feelings involved. And don’t EVER have one with anyone who has jealousy issues. Case and point – my threesome with my friend and Blondie from the bar ended with her huffing and puffing and storming out the door of his bedroom to sleep on the couch. Why? Because she got upset that he started giving me more attention than he was giving her. It had nothing to do with his feelings for us or our looks. It was simply that he had been on her for a while and decided to move on to me for a bit. He was merely following Threesome Rule #2: Be As Giving As You Can. Men can only handle so much sexy. And they only have one member. So, unless there are toys and extremely curious women involved, threesomes are a waste.
We’re still friends, by the way.
I won’t get into detail about the one before that, with the same girl but different guy. Let’s just say there were too many substances involved and he had trouble performing. Worst day of his life, I’m sure.
Before that, there were four. It was New Year’s Eve, there was champagne and black dresses and high heels. There was lipstick and pale skin and an inflatable mattress. There was a couple who had been dating for over a year, and a couple with a purely hidden, purely sexual affair. The other girl and I had had very intimate moments with each other when no one else was around, and it wasn’t weird for us to make out with each other on the bed, at the bar, in the middle of a party, etc. The issue with the foursome was that we violated the first rule of threesomes. Rules for threesomes also apply to any number of sums. This is not to be forgotten. Men: when you are in a relationship with a female, you cannot assume that she is NOT going to be mad at you for penetrating another girl, even if SHE herself is on top of another guy. You probably think it’s hot that you can watch her make out with a girl, then make out with her, and then make out with her friend. It’s NOT COOL. And if you intend to maintain a relationship with a girl, you cannot cross this line. We learned that the hard way after she went storming out of the room, I started crying, and the couple were causing a huge commotion outside the bar less than an hour later.
We’re also still friends, by the way, but she and her boyfriend are no more.
Before THAT, there were three girls out to dinner on my dad’s credit card. ‘Take your roommates to dinner!’ he said. Dinner? You mean pitchers of sangria and rabbit ravioli at a swanky Lower East Side hole in the wall? Yes. You mean ‘sex baloney’-flavored hookah and $3 glasses of wine on fluffy couches in the East Village? Yes. Well then you also mean three horny girls, all with the capacity to send multiple raunchy text messages to any boy in the neighborhood.
They were two boys who we had slept with before, just not all at the same time. It was perfect. They were simple fuck-buddies. Nothing else. And we were three girls who felt comfortable with each other, and didn’t care about what the boys thought of us. One guy would be on two of us at once, and we could switch off not having to do anything for anyone else for a little while. If we got bored with the guys, we could focus on each other and let the two of them watch. If we got bored with each other, we could go give the guys two tongues at once. The rules weren’t established initially, but somehow we all knew that the only penetration would be between the couples who had penetrated before, and the boys clearly didn’t feel comfortable doing otherwise. Unfortunately, one of the girls had never done ANYTHING like this before, in fact she had just lost her virginity about a year before this, and couldn’t handle all the lips and fingers and nakedness. She walked out of the room, and the five were no more. Still, this was definitely the best sexual sum I’ve ever had, if only for the mere fact that no one got jealous, angry, or awkward after it was over.
And before all that, well, that will remain a mystery.
This isn’t meant to be a how-to guide. It’s just one girl’s account of what works and what doesn’t. Boys, be extremely careful with who you get involved in your sums, and don’t get overwhelmed with all the boobies and vaginas. And girls, be confident. Either make rules at the beginning, or don’t get jealous, and you’ll be on the road to making every man’s fantasy come true.